On Bandwidth

Sometimes a parent will say something to me along the lines of, “I know you

say that ‘Kids do well when they can,’ and ‘He’s having a hard time, not giving

me a hard time,’ but my son can behave just fine at some times, and then at

other times is really terrible. He turns it on and he turns it off. How can you say

it’s just a ‘lagging skill,” when he’s able to behave just fine 80% of the time? It

certainly makes it seem like that 20% is a willful choice.” I certainly can

understand this point of view and wanted to explore this question.

The concept of “bandwidth” may be a helpful one to consider, especially for

parents of children with emotional and behavioral disorders, like anxiety and

ADHD. Instead of thinking about your child “turning it on and turning it off”

(volitional act, leading to your hurt feelings and resentment because it feels

like he’s choosing to treat you badly), let’s consider the possibility that we all

have things that we’re able to do under ideal circumstances that we can’t

under other circumstances. Like us, our kids only have so much bandwidth.

Like the WiFi in my house that gets overloaded when one too many devices is

plugged in. They can handle stressors A, B, and C, but stressor D is just too

much.

For example, let’s say that I may be able to deal with an aggravating spouse

and calm my child when they’re upset about what I made for dinner, but I

can’t do both those things at the same time. Or I can’t do either of those

things while I’m hungry, have a headache, or also need to find my lost keys

because we’re late getting out the door. It may look like I’m turning my

patience on and off in the moment—because some days I’m able to juggle

mealtime just fine. But, in fact, my internal regulatory system is extremely complex, and the resources available for any given task are highly dependent

on situational variables that include physical states, emotional stress, and

minute interpersonal cues. And for anyone, adult or child, who has

experienced early-life trauma, there is literally a dysfunction in the nervous

system that causes the brain to be unable to adequately regulate emotions in

times of stress. So, much less bandwidth is available when it is needed most.

For example, let’s say your son often “chooses to be difficult” when you’re in a

hurry and need to get out the door. If you frame it like that, you might feel

victimized by his behavior because he seems to wait for the most

inopportune moment to decide to forget where his shoes are or to shout at

you. You might be thinking, “It isn’t that hard! Doesn’t he realize that every

time we leave the house, he needs his shoes? Does he care at all about me

getting to work on time? On Saturdays, it’s no trouble getting out the door!

He can do this, he just chooses not to!”

But if you take a step back, you might realize that on Saturdays, your son is

usually well rested and has had a full meal before you leave the house. He isn’t

stressed about all the 1,000 “little” things that happen at school (will his best

friend, who maybe isn’t his best friend anymore, sit with him at lunch? Will he

be chosen to feed the guinea pigs by the teacher? Or will the teacher yell at

him again? What if he’s not picked for a team at recess? What if he’s wearing

the wrong thing and gets made fun of? What if there’s a quiz in math? What

if, what if, what if...) Each one of those concerns decreases his bandwidth

(ability to stay regulated) by some unknowable amount. And they’re all

stressors that happen under the surface, that you have no clue are going on.

And then there’s you. If your kid has a highly sensitive nervous system, he’s

acutely tuned in to your tone of voice, your word choice, your body language.

Do you say, “Hey, buddy, in 20 minutes it’ll be time to grab your shoes. But

right now let me get you some bacon going. And I want to see that beautiful

drawing you were working on last night!” with your hand lightly placed on his

shoulder, warmth in your voice, a smile on your face, and easiness in your

manner? Or do you say, frustrated, hurried, and teeth already gritted and

arms crossed, “You know we have to get going. Don’t make me late again!”?

Each of those scenarios would likely end up in a very different result, because

the first would send a signal that reads “safe” to his nervous system, while the

second would read, “THREAT!”

Which brings up the idea about how we choose to frame our children’s

behaviors. If we see a child who is melting down as choosing to turn their

cooperation on and off in a willful display of defiance and disrespect, we’re

going to act toward the child differently in a thousand micro (and sometimes

very visible) ways than if we put on the lens to see a dysregulated little

nervous system doing their best who has run out of bandwidth and who

needs our help with regulation.

If we see our job as helping our child manage the limited bandwidth they

have, we realize that it’s up to us as parents and caregivers to be constantly

aware of all the things that decrease the amount of bandwidth our particular

child has. Hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, sugar, food sensitivities,

dehydration, pain, sensory needs—these are all physical factors that influence

bandwidth. Emotional bandwidth is highly influenced by anxiety, often

caused by uncertainty, transitions, expectations, stress, big events, and

worries about the future. It can also be affected by grief, traumaversaries, or

loss. Children with ADHD have immature development of the prefrontal

cortex that regulates emotions and thus limits their bandwidth. Some kids,

especially those who have experienced early life trauma or uncertainty, are

highly susceptible to feelings of shame, which is an incredibly powerful and

intense emotion. I have seen kids who, when scolded or shamed (“Why did

you do that? What’s wrong with you?”), become so instantly overwhelmed

that they become almost non-functional, so completely overtaken by feelings

of shame that they collapse, run away, harm themselves, or lash out in an

uncontrollable, primal way.

When we realize that all these factors are at play affecting children’s

bandwidth, we realize that we can make allowances with the timing of our

requests and the degree of immediate compliance we expect, depending on

the circumstances our child is facing. We realize that we need to be flexible

and attuned to exactly where our child is at in any given moment. We might,

for example, offer to help with a chore for a child who is low on bandwidth.

We might make a snack before expecting a child to do homework. We might

accept “later” as an answer or decide it’s ok to have some extra time spent on

a favored activity. Of course, consistency is important--kids need to know that

parents mean what they say. But we can’t allow a focus on consistency to

become rigidity.

Does this mean that we always have to lower our expectations? No, it doesn’t.

First, as a child matures, we would expect that the amount of bandwidth

available would gradually increase over time. But bandwidth can also be

increased by intentional decisions to attend to a child’s needs: to reduce

stimulation in the environment for a child who is easily overstimulated, to

increase opportunities for exercise for a child who needs to move, to regularly

provide snacks for a child who gets “hangry.” We can use connected

parenting methods that focus on strengthening the parent/child relationship,

as well: understanding, patience, warmth, encouragement, acceptance,

felt-safety, and predictability. When we meet our child’s physical, sensory, and

emotional needs and fill their tank with enjoyable time spent together, we

help strengthen our connection, and that increases their bandwidth and

ability to handle any situation that comes their way.