Navigating the tightrope of parenting becomes even more of a high-wire act
when children become teenagers. It’s appropriate for parents to set expectations,
teach values, and hold boundaries. At the same time, it’s important for teens to
feel they have some measure of control and input into family decisions and to be
given increasing autonomy as they mature. How do we balance these competing
needs, especially in light of the fact that parenting a teen can often feel like being
a punching bag? The dance toward autonomy in adolescence means that while
teens are desperate for more independence, they often resent parents who must
place necessary limits on that independence, and they lack the emotional
maturity to contain that tension. Thus, the “I hate you/don’t leave me” dynamic
plays out between parents and adolescents daily in frustrating and hurtful ways.
One thing to remember is that even if our teens reject our overtures, they still want us
to keep coming back. In counseling adolescents, I’ve noticed they are very insightful
(out of earshot of parents) in noting that they still want their parents in their life, just
on their terms. They still need affection, interest and admiration from their parents.
They may reject it 9 times out of 10, but the fact that you keep coming back matters,
and the 10th time (when they really need it) is everything.
I think parents can easily feel rejected and give up, or think that they’re doing their
kids a favor by butting out of their lives. Nothing could be further from the truth!
When I worked in residential treatment, I remember a kid lamenting in group that his
mom stopped coming into his room at night to talk, and that led to another kid
tearfully sharing that his mom stopped ruffling his hair the way she used to. These
were tough kids with lots of off-putting behaviors. A discussion ensued about how
their parents must be “scared” of them or hate them (from the kids’ perspective). They
talked about how one day it felt like a switch flipped and their parents didn’t care
anymore. They desperately still needed and wanted their parents’ love and affection
and were feeling scared to grow up but were getting the subtle message they were
on their own now.
What was so interesting is how the conversation mirrored what I’ve heard from
parents and felt myself. I’m sure the parents got rebuffed a few times, felt hurt and
rejected, and sadly felt they should pull away, thinking, “Well, I guess that period
where we talk and are affectionate is over.” But, no! The teens still wanted it, just in a
different form, maybe, or maybe one day not the next. And they didn’t know how to
communicate that.
I think we as parents also have to learn how to do this difficult dance of approaching
gently and “from the side” without overwhelming, interrogating, criticizing (even
subtly), judging, etc. So often I hear parents say things like, “Oh, I guess you don’t want
to throw the ball with me. Ok (hurt tone), that’s fine.” Or, “We can go to the movie, but
you have to put on something appropriate to wear.” These little jibes and comments
are so often OUR needs leaking out—our grief over them growing up and leaving us
behind, our anxiety about their behavior reflecting poorly upon us, or our fears about
their choices being channeled into a desire to control.
It’s so important to meet teens where they’re at, non-judgmentally and with constant
acceptance and affection, even when we disagree with their choices or feel hurt or left
out or worried or rejected. Teens pull away when they feel an oppressive mantle of
expectations or judgment is always on them, and the teens I’ve talked to feel that way
a lot. They’re so articulate about all the ways in which they feel they’ve disappointed
their parents. When I ask how they know that, they say these really thoughtful,
observant things, like: “It’s how my mom sighs when she sees how I’m dressed” or “It’s
how my dad looked at me when I told him I wanted to quit soccer. He said it was fine
but clearly it wasn’t,” or “My mom tells me I’m just like my dad, but I can tell from how
she says it that it's not a good thing.” Teens have this “imaginary audience”
assumption where they feel they’re always being watched, judged, and criticized. And
if any adolescent is also dealing with the emotional intensity of ADHD, the worry of
anxiety, the insecurity of depression, or the lingering hurts from trauma, it multiplies a
hundredfold that typical adolescent self-consciousness and emotional sensitivity.
The most important skill to learn in parenting a teenager is learning how to SHUT UP
(believe me, I know this is hard). We’ve spent their whole lives teaching them right
from wrong and giving pointers and telling them what to do and how to act and what
to wear and now we need to just button our lip and swallow all those comments
down. We need to realize they take every disapproving comment about their friends
or their likes and dislikes personally, as a comment on their own worth. We need to
monitor our non-verbals and body language—looks, sighs, tone of voice, eye
rolling—all the passive ways we communicate our disapproval. It’s not easy, of course.
But there’s nothing more important to connection with a teen, in my opinion, than
communicating unconditional acceptance.
As a personal example, this got easier for me when I made a vow never to comment
on my daughters’ appearance—they get enough of that from the wider culture, so
“their body, their choice.” I’ll set an expectation—“It’s a wedding, so most people will
be dressed up”—but I simply do not comment (or non-verbally telegraph my
annoyance) if they choose to deviate. I remember once my daughter was so excited to
tell me something and I just had to choose that moment to point out that she had
some food in the corner of her mouth—she looked so devastated and totally shut
down. I remember thinking, “How many times before she just gives up and won’t try
to talk to me at all?” The weight of negative comments from parents is so, so much
heavier than from anyone else, as I’m sure we’ve all experienced ourselves.
It is possible to generalize a no-judgment stance to at all times about all subjects. Of
course, we can still intentionally model values, we can still have sit-downs to talk about
behavior expectations at family meetings, we as parents still set limits, and we process
meltdowns after the fact, but I’ve tried (and failed and tried again) to stop the litany of
comments about dress, friends, grades, music, homework, hair, performance, etc. Only
once I tried to stop did I realize how pervasive and constant were my judgements in
supposedly “helpful” form. (Try a no-judgment/no criticism challenge for a week and
see for yourself!).
I can say that being aware of this improved my connection with my own teens, and I
have my adolescent therapy clients to thank for their wisdom. Your teen loves you and
on some level they need and want you there, even though they reject you on the
surface (sometimes, quite rudely!). They just need you in a way that reinforces that
they’re ok just as they are.
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