Parents often ask me what they can do at home to bring peace to the household
when parenting a child who has a tendency to argue, talk back, or have frequent
meltdowns or anger outbursts. These parents are often at the end of their rope,
often having tried multiple solutions to no avail, including explaining ad nauseam,
rewards and punishments, threats, or yelling. Often by the time parents get to me,
they’re ready to try a different way.
What parents may not realize is that they possess the very thing that is the most
powerful tool for bringing about peace in the household: the relationship with
their child. But like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz who doesn’t realize that all she
needs to do is click her heels, many parents have overlooked the power of their
relationship with their child, not realizing just how impactful it is. Not only does it
shape the household climate, but it also wires the child’s brain, determining their
ability to weather emotional storms.
One thing we have learned from decades of research into the psychology of
parenting is that the parent-child relationship is worth its price in rubies. When it’s
going well, requests are honored, good humor is common, and there is mutual
enjoyment and respect. When it’s not going well, everything becomes a battle.
Parents of “easy” children have children who are easy to build relationships with.
Parents of “difficult” children–for whatever reason, be it ADHD, anxiety, giftedness,
temperamental intensity or emotional sensitivity (for either parent or child—or,
most often, both!)–often have a parent-child relationship that is frayed or fraught
with irritation. They need to be very intentional about investing in the parent-child
relationship and take specific steps to build it. These ideas are based on the
principles of developmental psychology and supported by research:
Reframe your child’s behavior. Remember, “He’s not giving me a hard time,
he’s having a hard time.” We’re much more likely to be compassionate
toward a child we think of as struggling with a hard task, rather than one
we’ve labeled as lazy, selfish, or trying to be difficult. Rather than blaming
your child for their difficulties, remember that he’s still a child, and he’s still
learning. Repeat mantras to yourself like, “He’s doing the best he can,” “This
is harder for her than it is for me,” or “Kids do well when they can. She would
do better if she could.” How can you reframe your irritation with your child in
a generous and compassionate way, that gives him or her the benefit of the
doubt?
Catch your child doing something right. Try to notice the litany of
corrections, criticism, and negativity that can be an everyday occurrence and
take responsibility for changing the tone. Notice little things your child is
doing right and point them out (“‘Thanks for going to bed when I asked,
even though you probably didn’t want to”), remark on what you appreciate
about them (“I’m glad I get to drive you to school every day. I look forward to
being in the car with you for these 20 minutes every day”), and bring up fond
memories (“I was thinking today about our trip to Yellowstone that summer.
I had so much fun with you on that hike.”) You might want to set a goal for
yourself: 10 positive comments each day, or a 5-to-1 ratio of positive
comments to criticisms.
Start each day fresh. Often leftover frustrations from the night before can
color the next day, or repeated mistakes can remind parents of old
frustrations. Decide to let go of resentments and drop old complaints. If you
find yourself tempted to remark again on the hole in the wall or the D on the
test, remember that if harping on it worked, you wouldn’t find yourself in
your current spot. Bite your tongue if you’re tempted to say something like
“There you go again,” or “I’ve told you this a million times before.” Start each
day with a positive attitude toward your child and communicate that by
offering a smile, a hug, or expressing genuine joy the first time each day that
you see them, or when you reunite after an absence. Vow to wipe the slate
clean after every day.
Spend quality one-on-one time with your child every day. Think of this as
time to fill their relationship tank. Set an internal timer for 10 minutes and
during that time, join your child in an activity of their choice. This may mean
joining them while playing a video game, inviting them to do an activity
they enjoy, or taking time to sit on their bed at night before bedtime. Maybe
you don’t love Minecraft, but can you muster 10 minutes to listen to what
your child loves about it?
During this time, avoid the temptation to interrogate, offer advice, provide
direction, give correction, or criticize. Instead, notice or describe what he’s
doing (“You’re looking for the Ender Dragon!”), offer praise (“I like how you’re
trying again, even though it’s hard!”) and join in (“We’re going to build the
best Lego castle ever!”). Genuinely delight in your child! Keep your manner
friendly and the mood light.
If this sounds hard, remember it is only for 10 minutes! Try not to go too
much beyond that, or the expectation will become a burden and you’ll be
less likely to follow through on it. This brief article describes how this activity
is done with younger children; the same principles apply to an older child
with some age-appropriate modifications.
Offer validation. It’s important as parents to remember how much we
appreciate being listened to, taken seriously, and really heard. Well, kids
need that, too. But because they are kids, they are more likely to be
dismissed, interrupted, ignored, or have their concerns minimized. Research
has found that parental invalidation of children’s feelings can be harmful,
impacting their ability to effectively manage their emotions into adulthood.
Remember that the way we talk to our children becomes the voice of the
self-talk they hear inside their heads as adults.
“It’s not that big of a deal.” ⇒ “It’s ok to be upset.”
“Get over it. Stop acting like a baby.” ⇒ “It’s good to let it out.”
“You’re fine! Stop making such a big deal.” ⇒ “That sounds hard.”
“You’re being ridiculous.” ⇒ “I feel that way too sometimes.”
“It’s not that bad.” ⇒ “It’s totally normal to feel that way.”
“Really?! What’s wrong with you?” ⇒ “What can we learn from this?
“Why are you overreacting?” ⇒ “Let’s take a breath and sit with this.”
“I’m disappointed in you.” ⇒ “It’s ok to make mistakes.”
“Stop being so lazy.” ⇒ “That must be hard. How can I help?”
“Calm down!” ⇒ “You seem upset. Tell me about it.”
“Stop acting that way.” ⇒ “How about a do-over?”
Practice Emotion Coaching. This is an approach that takes validation one
step further, combining it with active listening in order to help children
recognize and cope with their big feelings by offering empathy. This
approach is based on research that has found that children lack the ability to
regulate emotions maturely because their prefrontal cortex is still
developing until about the age of 25. So it outsources some of that
emotional regulation to the parents, who can function as an external
prefrontal cortex, modeling for the child how to cope with big emotions in a
healthy way.
This article by Dr. Laura Markham does a great job of explaining what
Emotion Coaching looks and sounds like. This course on Emotion Coaching
by the Gottman Institute; this Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids course; and this
No Drama Discipline course by Dr. Dan Siegel can all help parents build skills
in this area. I would recommend these skills for any parent but they are
priceless for parents of emotionally intense children.
Sometimes parents need to tag in/tag out. That means, in a two-parent
family, having a system for signaling from one parent to another when it’s
noticeable that the parent dealing with the child is becoming irritated,
frustrated, or in danger of going “off the cliff” of irrationality, just like their
child. It’s not uncommon for children to be so irrational, to say such
ridiculous things, or to do something so uncalled for that a parent can lose
their cool. When that happens, parent and child ping-pong off each other, in
a mutually-reinforcing cycle of anger and things said or done they wish they
could take back. Before getting to that point, it’s helpful for a parent to learn
to calm themselves down, usually by stepping out of the fray, breathing
slowly and calmly, counting to 10 (or 100 or 1000!), and only coming back to
the interaction when they’re more calm. Sometimes they need their
parenting partner to help them see when they’re in this place and suggest
they “tag out,” either by saying that or by having a pre-arranged non-verbal
signal.
It’s important for parents to remember not to use too many words. There is
a therapist in town who specializes in working with emotionally intense
children who hands out a beautifully embossed business card to every
parent on the first visit that reads: “STOP TALKING.” Why? Because parents
often want to explain, scold, correct, or lecture, and usually at exactly the
wrong time. When a child is emotionally flooded, every word feels like frozen
rain, pelting their face. Too many words is just too much. We need to pick our
moments, and when our child is escalated, use few words and short phrases.
Sometimes our presence is enough.
Say yes often: It’s important to be flexible and look for reasons to say yes to
our child’s requests. Especially when our relationship is frayed, saying yes is a
good way to help children feel seen and heard. Often parents say no
because they feel like they need to be uncompromising with rules in the
name of consistency. Sometimes it’s not even clear why we say no, it is just a
knee-jerk first response! But isn’t flexibility important, too? And don’t we say
yes to ourselves with extra treats when we’re feeling stressed? So what if a
child has dessert before dinner now and then? Or gets an extra 15 minutes of
video game time? It’s not the end of the world. Of course we need to be firm
when it comes to safety and we hold the line when we need to. But
well-timed yesses, especially when our child is frustrated or out of sorts, can
go a long way to helping them see that we hear them and are on their side.
● Resources: Books I also highly recommend:
○ Laura Markham’s Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling
and Start Connecting
○ Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and
Punishments to Love and Reason
○ John Gottman’s Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of
Parenting
○ Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and
Listen So Kids Will Talk
○ Dan Siegel’s No-Drama Discipline and The Whole-Brain Child
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